It is no secret that I flock to the hippy type girls. I may have no idea what they are talking about but I sure want to. The problem is, when they tell me to go read something, I do – until it freaks me out. Then I stop and decide that I don’t like that part. Decide this is different and well, we are already past that part. Well today, a former co worker, posts a the below and gets my attention. I start commenting with other people and she posts this video after explaining a few things. Well – I have an Offspring song for this but if she is my twin flame, I am honored to take every bit of pain I can for her. I wonder when she will realize that second to a hopeless romantic, I am somewhat masochistic in a very non sexual way – mental and physical pain are just a part of life – I am not afraid of them even if I cry like a baby the entire time.
She words shadow work keep coming up with me lately. My friend Nikki, joined me for karaoke last night and she pointed me to some reading that she thought would benefit me. The word trauma sure gets thrown around a lot in my research.
I am about to schedule an appointment with a new doctor at some fancy wellness center – that’s where my shadow work will start (I haven’t really read much so I have no damn clue like normal).
Lately, I have been craving the strangest thing. I have dreams that she is reading a book to me and I don’t even know what book yet but it keeps going. All I want to do is bury myself in the story just to listen to her voice. She is ridiculously sweet to me throughout the dream – nearly child like.
As stupid as it is, I never even get this shit, even though I think about it all day for days until I actually type it out. It wasn’t even that long ago that I popped off with, “What are daddy issues anyway?” when a blunt friend explained it very clearly. It went something like:
“Well, a lot of people have absent fathers. (Pause) You know how you and your brother have mommy issues, well its like that but with guys”
I don’t think that they meant to be so offensive but it was like someone punched me in the stomach. I actually wanted to start crying and ask if I really felt like this because my mom left me when I was so little. I know it still makes my dad cry if it ever comes up but somehow I was a hardened child and didn’t really think I cared but I knew what the alternate was so I was okay with her being gone – but I guess that was the older years. Anyway – I guess I have abandonment issues and now beautiful women that are nice to me have to deal with it. That’s certainly not something I am going to stand for. I will not be the abusive side of the twin flame or anything else, so here I am scheduling an appointment at some new place that will scan my brain and shit and give me medicine and therapy. I am sure I will hate it but I am committed to not being that asshole or an asshole at all. and.. I tried retaking my medicine on my own and have been sick as shit for days so if anyone is curious, I am not a qualified doctor.. Weird.
So there you have it on why I need to be a better person and go learn what shadow work is so that I can do it because I am not someone that will abandon her just because life is difficult. I welcome it. I may cry, but I will face our demons and try to keep them all on my side, because, I will find a way to be a protector somehow.. the right way.
Also, I am starting to get kind of hungry – have plenty of food but this weird thing happens. Someone told me it was autism but I don’t really know about that, it’s not all of the time. But between my medicine and everything else I just can’t eat and when I do, I can barely finish my plate. I just look at it, pick at it and then eventually let it get cold and throw it away.
This is when bean and cheese tacos from taco c come in handy but i have had those a few times. Carnation cookies and cream breakfast has been helping – I think, is this more than sugar? I am not sure. I know someone’s mom that probably not approve. However I am cold a lot now. When I shiver randomly this late at night, I go to turn the AC up and its already at 75. I wonder if she is falling asleep right now. I wonder if she is cold. I try not to wonder too hard because I need to keep my words on this side of 35 – and I am failing miserably.
As for my movie clip of the day, today, it was Oliver Twist, when I jokingly told Tamlyn that I was going to send the lady a message saying: Please Sir, May I have some more
It was after she had messaged her crush saying “excuse me sir” so I quickly retorted that I was going to start addressing M that way exclusively. and well, it morphed into a sad little orphan.
and if you must know how deeply seeding things can be, is when I see this, I am taken back to a paper cut out of a little news boy and the conversation that surrounded it. damn, I don’t even know how to explain that I am ridiculously into her masculine side in a unfamiliar way.
And one last thing, since this post seems to touch on metaphysics or whatever it may be called, I feel like this is a good place to write that when I asked her to pull a card for me the day that i got the message from M, she pulled the empress which was followed by a lot of uncomfortable questions that I answered matter factly as if I would even know.
She strayed away from the subject when she noticed that i wasnt handling the conversation well. She shifted into statements like it was a fluid card and it didnt necessarily mean that it could be symbolic. Then she said, well. it could be a reversed empress – and well, i havent a clue what that means but she showed me a list of things. It seemed pretty telling except the one I was avoiding. I ignored it for days and eventually asked her if this had anything to do with babies, but it was on IG and she doesnt read my messages anymore and I am sure that I have since deleted it or it has at least buried itself in good mornings and goodnights.
and lastly, on a person and knowingly weak note: I tried to start taking my medicine again and it made me so very sick. I just want to be held now.. and I wont even let myself day dream of being cuddled up to her. I sure wish I had an imagination that would just let me cuddle up to anyone, but no, I actually just want permission to day dream. If he only knew.