The last couple of weeks have been really difficult on me. I was left stunned and completely speechless when I read her message and then as the day went on and she never returned, my anxiety started to build. I must have been in some sort of denial telling me that she would come back and at least read my messages – but she still has not.
Everything she has said to me over the last three years or really the entire eight and a half years doesn’t just go away. I can’t forget the incredible things that she said nor can I shake the moments that were on the more tragic point in life.
When I woke up in the beginning of August, I knew that it was just a matter of time before she took a phone break for his birthday – now I am left hoping that it only lasts a month or even a year this time.
I am not sure what I was supposed to think or do. What did walking away even mean? Why did she say she wanted to live with me? Why oh why do I let this hurt so damn bad.
Last night I went to Austin, trying to go out with my sister. Things didn’t go as planned. I ended up crying in a gas station parking lot when my car didn’t start right away and almost drove off without taking the gas pump out of my car. A guy saw and ran over and stopped me – I was still crying at that point. I drove home from south Austin crying and not knowing what to do. That’s what I kept thinking about why he would be extra mad when he found out it was me and not the other way around. I thought about how I betrayed him – because I was so excited to know her – and now, I am not even allowed to know her.
I have been screaming every pop song that’s been speaking to me – and crying a lot. I am not cut out for war.