Today – I have felt completely predictable. Upon my own behalf and from hers as well. Last night we ended up in a conversation where she told me that she didn’t work at her same job anymore due to the virus shit. That’s about all I feel comfortable calling it these days. I was in my kitchen when I read the message and I felt my heart sink. I don’t know why it scares me that she lives and works with him – it just makes me feel like I will never get to see her again and that is the realest fear in my heart.
I know that she loves and and I usually know that she wants me too. My insecurity game runs hard and when he is involved, I practically just admit defeat because I never want to cause her trouble and I never really understand but I do understand that it tears at my heart no matter how hard I try to control it.
My pills only do so much good. Busying myself only helps for so long. Sending her what I would consider to be intimate messages will just have to do. I will continue to pour out my heart and continue if my words are welcome. My master plan seems to be full of holes but all that matters is that she has what she wants and I can’t even say that I am sure of that.