I’m not even sure why, but I agreed to stay with the kids while she went up to see her new girl again. This time I didn’t freak out like I usually do, until she got home. The only thing that I can imagine is that I must have had a dream between 5:30 AM when my alarm accidentally went of and when she got home at 6:11 because when the Alexa went off and said she was home, it woke me up. I felt like I have been up for hours. When she walked in the door I asked her to bring me a drink. I proceeded to cry hysterically and I didn’t even know why. I was panicking and crying, telling her that I thought she was going to come home and hold me. I explained that I thought that I was going to wake up in her arms and that she promised me she would be home in time to get her kids to school.
I left because my brother had sent me some strange messages. I got home and he was having his own breakdown. He kept getting really mad at me and yelling at me like she does. He said I didn’t care and I didn’t understand when I asked him if he would put the meth pipe away. He continued to rant about how he could die at any minute and I needed to get a pen and paper to write some things down. I couldn’t find one fast enough for him so he started telling me the same story that he has told me since it happened, nearly 2 years ago.
The only thing that was different this time, is that the girl that essentially sexually assaulted him as he slept in her bed, asked him what he was doing there after she did it. She clearly thought he was someone else, that had been drinking. I remember how mortified I was when someone accused me of saying in appropriate things to her at work and they were just words and she completely made the thing up. With him, something physically actally happened. I feel like she is gaslighting him making him feel like he did something wrong and it is tearing him up to the point where he will live in my house rent free as I am struggling mentally, emotionally and financially and smoke meth in my house without hiding it. I never saw this coming.
I tried to talk to my psychiatrist about all of the problems that I am having. I explained my excessive and uncontrollable anger. I told him about depressed I have been. I told him about my excessive spending and increased sex drive. He said it was all situational and anyone would have the problems that I am having right now. It felt like when my ex, T, would tell me that I am not autistic and that I was just dealt a really hard hand in life. I don’t know how I feel about that. I can’t change the family I was born into or the problems that they have but I keep doing my best to try to be strong and face everything head on.
What happened this morning must be part of having PTSD. I have been trying to do some research, because it was a very strange occurrence. At the time, I was quite sure that I had been laying there in bed awake since 5:30 when the alarm had gone off. After I was with my brother and he was breaking down, I got away by saying I needed to go pick up my medication and get some tacos for us to eat. As I was walking into the gas station, I remembered being startled awake by the Alexa. If I was startled awake then there is no way that I was not sleeping at that point. It all seems so blurry even though it was only this morning. Maddison kept asking me why I was crying and I couldn’t even tell her why. I have tried to explain to her that I would have the same issues with Teal when she would stay out with her friends late after working at Salt Grass. I would cause the biggest scenes and I was completely un-medicated then.
This is what my PTSD looks like
