Today makes 2 years from when – when.. when my world changed and I stopped trusting men completely. A former roommate’s trial is already over. He is spending 60 years in prison but it doesn’t make it any better and it doesn’t help my deep level of fear of people that I thought I once trusted.
It’s still hard to talk about. I see her sons often. One is still in high school, the other is in college and her daughter that saw it all happen and called the police is off in some other state with a father she barely knows – life is fucking hard and when I can’t calm down and I am ready to do whatever it takes there is a deep seeded reason that I can’t even fully talk about 2 years later.
I also ask myself why I looked at that bullet hole in the fence – that story is a really rough one for me.
Something happened last Sunday after I tried to go to this place again. It was quite devastating and it made last week the longest ever. Now I am panicked and afraid on a level that I can not even talk about because I can’t verbalize it nearly for superstitious reasons but I just can’t let certain works leave my being. I am so scared and questioning what the right things is – I am well aware of my limitations but that just keep me at a distance for her.