I am still finding it hard to put my thoughts into words, those I remind myself that my fear in writing anything out is only leading to lost records in the future.
This started around the time of the Russian invasion. It may have started because of me. As it approached the date which would have made 3 years since I had seen her last, I flirtatiously asked her if I could see her. She responded in a way in which I did not expect. She replied asking where we would go if we could see each other. I came up with the best answer I could think of on the spot and she asked me to meet her at that glass blowing studio on Sunday at 2. My adrenaline rushed and I had no idea that I would get a response like that. I mildly panicked, rushed to get a hair cut before the day and the something more along the lines of what I would expect – she had to cancel – but there was something specifically heart wrenching about the message that I received. The message came 3 to 4 hours after she would normally get online and she simply told me that she just recalled something she had to do that day. I didn’t get much else of an explanation but I had my theories.
On Monday morning, I woke up to a more chilling message – this one even later than the last – around 5 AM. She told me that she had broken up with him and that he got really mean and it scared her. I immediately regretted asking to see her as I blamed myself. There was a part of my heart that was glowing, wondering if that was what she recalled that she had to do – if seemed quite romantic, until I felt like she could be in harms way. I attempted to remain calm and rational, which I then reminded her that I had no idea where she lived since she moved about 6 months prior. She promptly told me her address and the seriousness sunk in.
She went silent a bit after that and a panic that I had never known came over me. I was minutes from going over there – I was actually circling her street trying to figure out what to to while talking to her friend. Her friend calmed me down, reminding me that she is a very smart woman and that she knows what she is doing – but I am slightly concerned that this friend is young and naive – there are things that I can’t take my chances on. With that said, this happened three and a half months ago.
Yesterday made 9 years since I had met her – a day that I hold quite dear in my heart. I wasn’t able to see her or even talk to her. The conversations that we have had over the last few years really helped me get through the day – but I am having a really hard time focusing on anything but wanting to know how she is and how I can get her unstuck.