To think:
I woke up one morning in the beginning of August and thought about how bad tomorrow would hurt when she took a phone break for his birthday. I don’t know what day that was but I know it was in the first week of August.
Little did I know, that soon, I would start round (I have lost count) of do my best to control emotions and imagination.
Tonight I saw the uhaul in front of their house and it was so painful.
I softly through two of my snowflake obsidian rocks towards it but i don’t think they even made it past the street. I was hoping that she would at least see one of them while she was moving and think of me. I miss her more than I can allow myself to feel – because it is just too much.
I chose to throw those to her because I read that it’s a highly protective and grounding stone and I was hoping that it would help remove negative energy.
When I spend too long asking myself why she said she was going to move in with me and the suddenly changed her mind – I think that all of the change was too much for her right now. I think that she realizes that I will wait around for her and be there unconditionally where as if she did leave and change her mind, I am sure that it could be hard to retract that decision but I actually know nothing about their relationship because I try to avoid it at all costs.
If I worry that I will not know where she is and that scares me if she ever ends up needing me – I trust that she knows that I can figure it out if I need to. It might take me a little time but when I realized that he lived here, I wasn’t seeking it out – at all, but it fell in my lap – and I told her immediately, by email. Well – that was many years ago and now she is moving away on his birthday, symbolism that i can not stand.
I really struggle with math that doesn’t add up ..