I can’t explain why but sometimes I really want to be held by M – and lately it’s been bad. I haven’t seen her in years. I walked away from her in fear that day that we parted at the coffee shop, and though its been just over 2 years – she has never told me that she can’t talk to me since and that really puts my heart at ease. I can’t say that it’s not something I spend way too much time worrying about. I have gotten much better about that now.
My friend’s murder trial is today. Her children, mother and best friend are down in San Antonio in a hotel, waiting to attend tomorrow. That all makes me sick. I still can’t believe that her husband killed her. It really enforced deep seeded fears in my heart. My father’s family was always afraid that my mother would kill him. He endured horrific domestic violence for years. When my brother turned 18, my grandmother cried tears of joy explaining that she had spent the last 20 years worried that something would happen to my dad and we would be taken away. That is a horrible fear.
Times like these make me wish that my future girlfriend could come over once in a while. I want to be tough and handle everything on my own but sometimes I just want her to run her fingers through my hair and let me fall asleep with my head on her chest. I’ve never really gotten that opportunity and if I have it was always cut short.
When I realized that one of the last Sundays that I will be in this neighborhood will be June 13th, it makes me want to cry. I feel helpless and scared. I don’t know why being blocks away makes me feel like I can be there for her if she ever needs me. I don’t know why I am so convinced that she would ever need me but I just struggle with it and I really wish she could move with me.