I want to dive into your ocean

It was mid week when a basic email, probably spam, sent a shock to my system. A few months had past since I had really felt my last surge of jealousy. At the time, I was standing in my kitchen cooking and flirting. I don’t know what was exactly said but that’s where I was when I found out that her job had closed down and she was back working with him. I felt a boulder of defeat fall on me that day. I knew there was no change that I would get to see her in any near future now.

Well around Wednesday, I was sleepily clicking through my inbox when today’s date popped out at me. Just when I least expected it, a flood of emotions starting with jealousy, envy, confusion and the slight anger and concern that follows that combination. I have no frickin’ cue what I am so worried about. It’s not like they don’t spend every waking moment together already but it was just a reminder that he gets to spend every birthday with her when I don’t even ever get to see her. It’s just disheartening to me.

I tried to keep my emotions under control, even though she has been quite distant, I just hope that she is doing okay and what makes her heart happy – that seems to be the end result of my minor panic episodes. It just feels so hopeless at times. I never came out and said it to her but I know that she is more than aware of my desires to be around her and most likely for my lack of desire for him to be around – but I try to keep that one under wraps but no one is fooled. In the last few days, I have found myself thankful that so many places are closed today and hoping there are no romantic plans – though – she has been pretty quiet so I can guess that they are busy.

I get this unreasonable concern that he is over there having the time of his life with the lady that I love like some tragic romantic comedy. The likely hood of that is probably quite slim and if that is the case, I will be painfully aware soon enough. Despite my ridiculous fears, I trust her way more than I ever expected to trust anyone. I would like to believe that they haven’t been in that type of relationship for a while but what do I know. Sadly, I know that staying home doesn’t make me any less lonely. That I don’t like being around most of the people that I spend time with to distract myself. The quarantine has already been hard enough. I just struggle with my immaturity in hoping they aren’t having too good of a time. Damn I am an asshole.. Damn, I just want to watch a movie or nap with her once.

It’s true, I am jealous of him a lot – but I try so fucking hard not to be.