Last night, I decided to complain about the supposed delivery time for my pizza to her. I had been smoking for hours with my 21 year old neighbor – basically I am a terrible influence. Then I proceeded to relentlessly flirt with that woman that I love, if anyone could ever perceive it as such.
I made an off handed remark about Stoner Pie and she asked if that is really what I had ordered – which it was. I was trying to introduce the neighbor to french fries on a pizza and then I mentioned that I also liked the jalapeno popper pizza – even though actual jalapeno poppers are usually too spicy for me. In this book that is my life, I was alluding to that time I went to the sandwich shop, dude was there and took my order. He is always pleasant with me because he is or at least was a but clueless – but there I was freaking the fuck out on the inside completely conflicted by my core values – but I knew what I had to do and I was fake as fuck, for her sake.
I had still felt bad and completely guilty, though that has been fading the more than she opens up to me, though I don’t know a thing about what goes on with them, which is fine with me because I couldn’t handle it anyway and she probably knows it. Basically, I over tipped him because I am awkward as fuck and I don’t know what the etiquette is when confronting enemies at the counter. So – I threw my money at him. What better way to say fuck you then handing someone a ten just because you can. I really have no idea what I tipped him but I am an asshole that always felt a but superior walking up in there, usually dressed for work, ordering food from him – but that really just makes me a jerk and it was really just over compensating for the inferiority that I actually felt because I knew damn well that he had what I wanted and there was nothing that I was going to do about it. At this point in time, she had just left the state but I didn’t seem to think I had a chance for what ever reason because 4 years ago today – I made a huge mistake by hanging out with Maddison, which is still negativly affecting my life – but I have her kids and especially the little one that still does not understand – and I just can’t abandon her and it is the most complicated.
Thankfully my love still talks to me and I like to believe that she understands because she too might have ended up in a situation that she just doesn’t know how to get of out – but that is my wild lesbian opinion and I try to remind myself of that. I used to be so extreme that I stopped trusting my own opinion. I am not stupid, just opinionated. As I was all the other extremists in any direction, I see the need for waiver. There is no need to be extreme in any direction, which is why I have been trying to step back since the day I realized it. It was somewhere around a fishing trip she had. Probably a day that pushed her away – as it should, but at the time – I was afraid to be close to anyone – so maybe it was subconscious on my side as well.
My lunch break is ending and I am rambling so I will connect the dots before leaving. When I saw the date, I realized that it had been 4 years to the date since he had given my friends and I free jalapeno poppers – because after I over tipped, she over tipped and then I had to explain myself to her. Here is the entries from that time period. I just surprise myself when that kind of thing happens – I am slightly amazed with myself when I fact check and I am correct about an event. Then I go and tell her and remind myself how insane I sound – and somehow she trusts me and talks to me anyway. That is a level of support I have never known. I am fortunate to know such a little human.