The woman that I love and I live blocks apart with a main road between us. I try to stay on my side.. but when I turn right to go down the hill, I often catch myself looking to the left where I can see up here hill. I actually feel some sort of guilt every time I catch myself looking in her direction – so often throughout history I have done everything possible to avoid it, but currently I don’t feel that bad and I don’t think she would mind if I looked her direction and saw what I perceive to be her car every once in a while.
Most everyone in my life knows that I am weird at this point. I have done my best to try not to share the details of my love affair with the world – and it really is no affair at all but it seems that everyone knows a little here and there and the small details that I do share usually leave me looking like a real fuck up – but… I could care less because the only opinion on the matter that I am concerned with is hers and I would like to think that I know a little bit about that by now.
Today, I came home on my lunch break which is a rarity but it seems that no one works on the Friday between Christmas and New Year’s Day so it leave the help desk a very slow and boring place, so I left. Somewhere in there I recognized that I am extremely spoiled but I moved past that quickly because it is all a matter of perspective.
On my way home, this time coming up the hill, I caught myself glancing right – only to see a van or something there. There is some sort of defense mechanism in my mind that leaves me making fun of myself – to myself but in an imaginary conversation with someone else. Today’s imaginary conversation was me telling her that someone is parked in her spot – because to me that is creepily hilarious.. but I only assume that she would laugh too. I hate when I am wrong about those things.
That conversation clearly didn’t happen because I appreciate her enjoying my company, but she is all too aware of my quirkiness. She may be the only person in the world that enjoys it – which leaves me the luckiest. She’s probably at work and I am here gushing about her on the internet to myself because that is totally normal. With all things considered, I just embrace it and in my heart, she does too.
If anyone else doesn’t like it – they can go fuck themselves. And that’s how I feel about that.
Creep (1992)
Karma Police (1997)
It was just the other day that I was thinking about how many times, I have accidentally said something just to have someone close to me look at me like – wow I had no idea you were a complete asshole. I suppose it affected me because I seem to think about it at all. I wouldn’t even try to explain myself because it is no one else’s business but I can assure the world that their original opinion of me is accurate as it just appears that way. I have my reasons and it is not what it looks like but there are levels to like that some people will never understand. Maybe I am wrong, but I feel like I do.