My brother just said the realest shit to me and I don’t know why it is the first time that I have heard it. As he lectured me about things I shouldn’t do – I attempted to explain myself with the cliff notes version. I went back to December of 2013. The day I left work because I was mad about some other girl I didn’t even care about – but my pride was hurt because the cycle was repeating quickly. These were little cycles because I didn’t care, but I was trying to feel better about myself because I was confused and still didn’t understand much at all. I referenced the post that I stumbled across – so excitedly and replied to – and I know in that reply I brought attention to the fact that I had not read the post yet. When reflecting on this moment, I always feel her heart sink as she reads those words. Then we know what happens next, I read the post and a level of confusion that I had never experienced before surfaced. I was offended and wanted to know what was wrong with me. A question that I have decided to give up on because my brain has convinced me that it was so much more than that. The fact that I am where I am today only solidifies that. So in the end, why it happened doesn’t matter but what my brother said was:
You’re not emotionally stable enough to be a mess around with kind of girl.
Which I suppose I am fine with. I am much more emotionally stable that I have probably ever been and though a few people can push that limit when they actively try, I can’t say that he is wrong. I can tell myself one thing all day long but at the end of the day, those involved see that I am every bit of what someone would expect from me. A stereotypical Scorpio that has made every list of Scorpio traits nearly comical.
I try to remember my boundaries and stay on my side of the road but when I can’t resist, I make sure to be quite and respectful. I have so much to learn from her and I hope that she knows that I am more than ready for that adventure. I am no where near perfect but I have the desire and willpower to transgress into the next stage of my life if she ever decides that is something we should do.
This is one of the songs that my brother likes to play and sing, so I have heard it on repeat for years but when it came on the radio the other day on my drive to work – I paused all thoughts to listen.