I have been tired all day, so I am going to try to get some sleep. The dogs woke me up around 6 AM and demanded my attention. As I walked them in my half asleep stuper, my dream replayed in my head.
It was enough to keep me up for a few minutes and against my better judgement, I sent her an email about it – expressing my deepest fears and opening the way that I know better than to do, but here I stand, believing that she is different than anyone else and I can stand defenseless and survive. Its nearly a masochistic test from an observers standpoint. It’s not one that most would commend or recommend.
My dream was quick or at least when I recall it, it equates to seconds. I can’t say that many of my dreams are from an outside perspective but this one started that way. She and I were talking in my alley way of the house that I used to live in. As we talked, we got closer to the street. I had no idea what we were saying, until I asked her if I could walk her home. That was most of my dream, the seconds in which she said No, that she had to go alone. It was more the way she shook her head, nearly in pain. It was the crack in her voice that would tell most that she was fighting back tears. I stood there and watched her walk away.
When I woke up, my heart was racing, there was a lump in my throat and I got up to take the dogs out, because even though I didn’t realize why I had felt that way at the time, I knew there was no laying down and going right back to sleep after that. There is something disheartening about finding math in everything – it leaves you paranoid. I think that is what the movie, The Number 23 is all about. You start to see patterns and probably make up things that aren’t even there. I hate it. I refuse to do the math most times, but due to that mental math that was drilled into my head, a lot of times, I can’t even help but do the math.
I emailed her before trying to lay down and do to sleep, because there is nothing like showing the lady you love that your brain doesn’t quite work right and you’re pretty much special needs at this point – but luckily for me, I am sure that she is well aware.
You know, I am just going to change this up a bit before I go to bed. There is a song that I haven’t hear in a while and though it is old, the first time I ever heard it, was in the last 6 or so years.. I know that there is so documentation about it somewhere, because I didn’t keep my thoughts to myself. I was pulling up at work when the song came on. I sat in my car and listened to the whole thing and declared my feelings immediately following – for the 1000th time I am sure. I mean – what if she didn’t know..