Something, things are just too real to write about – so I just haven’t. Friday was my mother’s father’s birthday and she had plenty to say. Something has made me start recording my phone calls – mainly to protect myself – and by doing so, I captured a very heart-felt conversation from my mother that made me cry. I don’t know what to think about her leaving me as a baby but I can say that I feel like I am over it. She had horrible things to say about her parents, but then again, they did abandon her and her children. I am sure she has a lot of regrets about life but I didn’t really know what to say.
Then I have been fighting with Maddison constantly. I have been in a fit of rage all weekend. Just typing that makes me thing – yeah.. you should probably take your medicine and calm down… but I just won’t. When I feel like this, I feel like my medicine is a punishment and or an admittance to weakness or an issue. I know that no one likes me when I am mad.. so I keep to myself and it just gets worse.
Something about listening to my recorded concerts makes me feel better. Don’t get me wrong, I feel like a tool when I am one of hundreds recording a concert – but I do put my phone away and ask friends to record once in a while – but it is hard to trust them to do a good job.. but unlike those other tools… I do a lot with my recordings. They help my practice my video editing, which I vowed to improve upon stumbling upon that one YouTube video so long ago.. and I have. I don’t use Final Cut but I think Filmora gets the job done. I would learn premier because I know it is a standard but I never have a computer that powerful so I settle..
I panic so much when too much of my money is out and being borrowed. I have been a mess and very vocal about it with maddison. She hates me right now and I could care less. For some reason I don’t even want to talk about anything directly – mainly because I don’t want to think about it. I hope that she moves soon.
She has spent hundreds on piercings and tattoos and still asks me for money. I try to say no but there is always some long drawn out sob story and she knows just how to get to me.
Today, I put my concert playlist on shuffle, and this song came up and since it couldn’t be more true… I used it. I went to the next video and it was a good one too.
