I’ve developed a habit of staying up all night and sleeping all day, as if I was on summer vacation. The ex has developed a habit of calling me, waking me up and asking me for something ridiculous. Today – I said no.
Since I was woken up and asked a question, I was a bit confused. I thought she was telling me that her son (8) was home alone and wanted to go play, but I had to be aware to check on him and she was asking if I would. I said no, I’m sleeping and went back to sleep. This was at 1:15 PM. There’s something that makes me feel really bad to saying no to something I am physically capable of doing, soon enough, I couldn’t sleep anymore and got up by 2. I texted her and told her that he could go play outside because I was awake. Little did I know, she was either home or bringing him home to stay alone (with me next door) and somehow through the next exchange of messages that came out. After minutes of being awake – I knew that I didn’t want to be here anymore. There is a lot going on with my brother and it’s intense. Everyone else is silent or asleep here and I owe LMC a little money, so I ask the ex when she will be back because I want to go to Lisa’s. She says they are going to Austin and it will be a few hours and not to leave him alone for more than an hour at a time. This is where it starts to feel like I am watching her kid for her and she treats me like complete shit, so I was not willing to do that. She already called me at 9 something this morning asking me to go sit with her kids while she went to go get sodas. When I got there her 4 year old asked me to make her food, if that tells you anything about how much I do for the kids. Why couldn’t her mom had made her food?
I asked her to get me a soda while she was out, because I thought it would make me feel better about doing things for her.
When I went back to bed, I had a hard time falling asleep right away. I laid there and thought about this one time that M and I met at Jo’s. That day was the first time I saw her after she got back from out of state. She had left right before I met Maddison. When she returned, I felt like I had so much explaining to do. I knew that I didn’t owe anyone an explanation.. but I really did. I had been completely in love with her for 3 years, she leaves, returns and I had a girlfriend.. that I hated, but I am not sure if that point came across. I think I was able to at least express that much to her. I needed her to know that I wasn’t attracted to my girlfriend, had no interest in her and had a very inactive sex life – which took effort, but I blamed my medicine and distanced myself. When I saw her, I got so nervous/excited, I have no idea what I said that day. I can tell you what table we sat at. I can tell you that my back was to the wall and hers was to the counter. We normally didn’t sit over in that little area, but today we did. I feel like she could see through my eyes to what I was trying to express and I feel like she understood more than anyone would and accepted that I did what I did for whatever reason I did it, and I don;t think she was worried at all. I wondered if she still knew that she was everything that I had ever wanted.. but could never ask.
I have always tried to respect her situation – and I don’t know why – but I can’t refer to it as anything other than that. I’ve never wanted to make anything worse for her. There has been things that she has said that have sunk deep into my heart. I have beat myself up for not being more assertive and asking more questions. When I think about an example of what I am talking about, the first thing that comes to mind is – I don’t even know when we were having this conversation – but she said that her parents would not have even noticed if she had been kidnapped. We had been talking about when she left home. It always made me feel uneasy to think about. She looked down and her tone changed in a way that told me this was significant, but I felt like she didn’t want me to ask, so I never did. It’s strange to me that I can be so shy with her yet so incredibly open. In the end, I always feel very protective of her and the rest just gets complicated in my head. Watching my brother breakdown has made me question my sanity a time of two, but luckily. I have her in my life and she is always there just in time.
This song popped up and I have not heard it before. I am going to leave this here.
I wanted to talk about something very specific and forgot it when my dad showed up. I need to reread this and see if it comes back to me. For now, I suppose this is all.
