I have been trying so hard – to love her the right way. It isn’t ever easy loving someone that you can’t be with, but it gets even harder when you have to face the reasons why you can’t.
Yesterday I spent a few moments complaining to my best friend from high school, that I was certain her boyfriend is Charlie and I explained how I came to that conclusion. I think her response was something along the lines of, “Jen.. what did you think paying attention would get you?” So I listened and I remembered, I typed some words in youtube and I watched every video that I found on that channel. Well only most of them, and then followed that up by an explanation to her via email. I am so nerdy sometimes.
I just said, “Amy.. I am sure she is dating Charlie… and I am pretty certain that he is the one that won’t even let her be part of my life…” If anyone knows that I have difficulty making real connections with people, its her. She’s been my best friend since about 1997.. around the same time that I met Charlie. I am pretty sure that he was in my computer lit class.. the last year that I had a crush on a boy. It was 7th grade.
When you grow up in the middle of no where going to a conservative ass school… you get to know the people you grow up with. If the guys you live with dont know who I am, its only because they are so full of them selves and stuck up, they have forgotten or something.
She asked, “Does he know that it is you that he is saying that she can’t talk to?” Like I know.. but she was just as shocked. I don’t know why I feel so entitled to be in contact with my friends that mean the most to me… but people just don’t tell me who I can and can’t talk to. A strong woman taught me that years ago.
PS, I didn’t run over the hairy faced guy riding his bike up the street last night around 11 as I was headed to the gas station. I felt like someone should have been proud. It was dark and I honestly didn’t see his face but in my mind — he could have been the offending party.
And for the record.. I would never hurt anyone, not even someone that would purposely hurt me, but at 11 at night I will make jokes to myself in my head about it.
Tomorrow makes one year since you called me your girlfriend as I was taking you home. I will never forget that night.
The only time it is okay to comment to yourself on your own post, is when your while website is only to yourself.. Today I listed to my June play list. I thought about how I felt then and how i felt last week. She amazes me and I have never thought that everything happens for a reason more. I may not know these reasons, but I hope she knows what I wished for when I saw that shooting star. Someday we will read this together and laugh softly at how far we have come. Its not standard that I do not second guess myself.. so I am confident, despite the insecure moments.